No, wait! I'm sorry -- that was very rude. I don't know what comes over me sometimes. It's just, here I am, finally in The Citadel's Library, facing certain death if discovered -- that's the other reason I asked you not to go; we could set off any number of alarms in here if we're not careful. But I wouldn't trade this experience for the world.

What do you mean, I'm acting like Iago? Do I look like a parrot to you? And would he be hanging around here? Not bloody likely, pardon my Farsi. I'm Michael Ferrier, Master of Library and Information Science, degree granted by the University of Western Ontario...it took quite a lot of work to get to this continuum, thank you very much...OK, you go crawling around Celtic burial mounds looking for certain special talismans and books, and see how chipper you'd feel about this escapade.

If we're caught: skills, you say? I know some tae kwon do and karate -- white belt level, I'm afraid, but all rather useless considering where we are...I forgot my ruby slippers....Of course that was a joke! I probably left my brains somewhere as well...all my sense would say I shouldn't do this.

WHY am I here? The short answer: I'm a bibliophile. Anything with words on it...I'm interested. And I've always believed you can learn a lot about a person from the type of books they have on their shelves...and this is utterly unique...an animated megalomaniacal sorcerer. The mind boggles...

Watch your step here, please. Yes, I think those ARE powdered bones we're stepping in, much as I would like to believe they're dust. And speaking of dust, I'm not sure that's something I'd care to see either...Terry Pratchett, in his marvelous Discworld series, has a lot to say about the dangers of magical books...The Unseen University Library chains their books, not to prevent them from being stolen, but to prevent them from injuring people...after all, their Librarian is an orang-utan, and he wasn't born that way, although he's adjusted quite nicely, I understand. But who knows what magical dust will produce? Raving, ranting, mutant carnivorous dust bunnies

No, don't. Please don't. Look, let's compromise here. We'll both try not to touch anything, all right? Unless, of course, we both see something that looks interesting, and we succumb to temptation. I saw a bumper sticker like that once... 'Lead me not into temptation, for I shall find it myself.' But bumper stickers aren't going to do anything for us at the moment.

AAAACHOOOOO!!!

Thanks for the 'Gesundheit': I think I'll need it in the next few moments of my life...or at least in the next life. I sincerely hope no-one heard that...Mamluks, mamluks, marching two by two...will you look at me. People are always telling me how modest I am, and I'm quoting my own poetry. They've always told me I'm diplomatic too. If I'm dragged up before Mozenrath, my last words will probably be along the lines of, 'Yes, you're quite right. I WAS in your house without permission, and this DOES qualify as breaking and entering, but we're both, mature, reasonable, AUUUUUGHHHH!' I rather hope he'll throw me to the pairakas instead. That way I can die with the conceit of having lived out one of my own poems...it's better than 'Mamluks' anyway, and I'd like to see how an audience would react to it.

Well, Destane, or whoever originally built this place, wasn't too up on library architecture. On the bright side, they don't have to worry about ultraviolet light coming in here and damaging the books. The new Bibliothique Nationale in Paris is constructed completely of glass, if you can believe it. Very nice, very pretty, but it leaves the books rather exposed, let's say. And nothing damages the ink and pages of books faster than ultraviolet radiation. Our standards say you should have fluorescent lights, properly masked, in all your reading areas. Of course, this is hardly a PUBLIC library now, is it? And my Conservation and Preservation class never told us the candle-power rating of witch-light burning in your standard glass globe, and how it affects the ageing and deterioration process of paper. At a guess, I would say that it's pretty safe, since I can't determine how *unsafe* it is.

The shelves are quite high here, aren't they? At the good old UWO, we had fairly high shelves, too, but without the gargoyles, and the effreet, and the demons, and the oni and yoma and the...different strokes for different folks, I guess. Just now, there's something very attractive about plain metal shelving...yes, made of cold iron and with
silver trim, by Allah...very, very nice....

What IS that squeaking sound I hear just now? Quick, we'd best duck out of sight. It's a Mamluk, and it seems to be pushing a shelving cart of some sort...I can see what look like books on it. I must be dreaming....Mozenrath surely wouldn't bother with something like this...would he? And the sight of just one Mamluk makes me nervous...in the cartoons, you never saw just one solitary Mamluk walking about...they're like coathangers. You get a pair, and voila! all over the place before you can say Jack Robinson. But I think what this REALLY signifies is ....mmfrorh, mumshps, frirmrfff....

Tap, tap. You can take your hand from my mouth now. I'm under control, thank you. That's another problem. I do tend to ramble and get over-excited about books. If I get out of control again, you have my permission to do that. If I really escalate, I will bear you no malice for striking me firmly on the head. If I do something particularly stupid, you can improvise. And if THAT happens, I'm perfectly willing to accept killing me as a viable option. Yes, it's gone now. We can continue.

Here I am, rambling on and on about stuff that has probably no interest to the layman. I said my main reason for coming here was books, didn't I? And all I've talked about is how this library seems to be laid out. Well, let's go find some books. See if we can work one of those globes loose from a wall bracket...yes, they do come away rather easily, seeing that they're held by rotting bone...hold this, would you, I need to get my handkerchief. What I would really like to have is a finding aid...see if you can see anything that looks like a library directory of some sort; I'll check this side...

Well, no finding aids, but there does seem to be a lot of periodicals here: Better Homes & Curses...quite an extensive run: 50 Ways To Better Torture Room Irrigation, The Gothic Movement Is Dead, Let's Make It More So, More Death for Your Dinars: How to Make Those Suppurating Boils Really Hurt! ... Notes On The Care And Feeding Of Strangler Vines, by Al Chokud Up....has he never heard of The Economist? But I bet there're some dentists and doctors who would get a kick from having these in their waiting rooms. What's this? Fodor's Guide to Morbia...looks like Moze got fed up with collecting them...there's a piece of paper inside this last one...looks like an unmailed letter.

'Mother: I don't even know why you bother to give me these things. I have NO intention of visiting you, now or ever. And everytime I do visit, you've always changed the geography, so the book's useless...and I still haven't forgiven you for the 60s Psychedelic fiasco...' No, it's impossible. My Arabic is rusty; I thought it said 'Your Loving Son' there. Couldn't have been.

Let's see...some fashion type mags... Necropolitan...my, my. Playdespot: I thought the man had more taste than that, but these do look rather old; perhaps they're Destane's. Popular Arcana, Agrabah News...all work and no play makes Moze a dull boy. Let's go to the bookshelves now.

The Joy of Curses. Not interested in that: I've seen it. Although I would be surprised if he didn't have a copy. How To Efficiently Take Over The World: After You've Done The Dishes (this has been crossed out, by the way. Actually, it seems more to have been burnt out). By, who else? Mekanikles, The Greatest of The Great Greek Geniuses. Written on the inside flyleaf: 'Mechanical bugs are a waste of time. He needs to forget the dishes and APPLY himself. A bit of mess is acceptable, especially if it's made by what's left of your enemies.' Uh-huh. Magic Gauntlet Operating Instructions. Warning: The Evil Sorcerer General has determined that magic gauntlets require sacrifice of one healthy human hand. This device should not be worn by heroes, chickens, neutrally-inclined sorcerers, sages, magical researchers, collectors, and all those other spineless milquetoasts who don't have what it takes to use this baby as it's MEANT to be used.' Hmmm.... How To Care For And Feed Your Armis Slime. The section on 'Pet Tricks' talks about getting your slime to capture someone as a party trick. Amuse your friends, blackmail and extort your enemies...I see. There's a note in Moze's hand next to it: 'Dagger Rock is very nice this time of year.' 'How to Win Friends -- Then Backstab Them -- And Subjugate People.' I'm beginning to get a picture here...

Magic Hunter: Memoirs of a Thirdak-Hunting Man. It's getting clearer by the minute...

The Hat and Hair Book: A Celebration of Haberdashery and Coiffure...this book is in the wrong library...here's another note. 'Why in the name of Evil does Abis Mal bring his OWN book to MY Citadel, and then try to steal it...and fail?
And how did he even succeed in getting it in here? Well, the next time he comes, I'll have to remember to hang him by his thumbs. And I'm not going to contract him for my scheme for turning the Sultan to gold. I'll use that Amin Damoolah fool instead.'

OHHHHH! The signed and numbered version of the NECRONOMICON, by good old Abdul Al-Hazred himself. 'To Destane, thanks for your enthusiasm, The Mad Arab Al-Hazred, this is copy'....there's a splotch here. This must have been the infamous copy where he used too much of his blood, and died before he could finish it...THIS is interesting. I'd love to try to take this back with me, but I'd have to...LOOK OUT!

Now you've done it... MY fault? You were standing where the alarm was, don't blame ME for setting it off. I'm sorry I startled you, but that's beside the point...we have to get out of here before....

Before....

Er. Um. Yeah. Help me out here.

I think we're in trouble.

There's no place like home.....

To Be Continued (As if I'd write myself into a corner!)

-- Michael Ferrier